Aim high...

shopping fiesta day-long siesta

my day consisted of some lovely much-needed purchases and a few extra dabbles. got my bathing suits for the trip to Cuba mid-Jan, but not feeling to happy about my lunch at spring rolls and the brownies + upsidedown pineapple cake i made in the eve. spooning out the leftover cake/brownie mix is too hard to resist, and doesn't come around too often.

spent much of the day at fairview with the fam. dad & i walked around while mom & martin went about their own route (aka directly in and out of hollister). the cashier at sears agreed to remove a plastic tag that was accidentally left onto a suit dad purchased at Macy's in the US. i later walked into h&m and scored a pretty beige sweater by exchanging a garment gifted to dad six+ months ago at full price. i  found bikinis at bikini village at 50% off, got earrings, a ring, a sketchbook and even a hairband. i'm pretty much set for the next month or so, or i should be...until i discover something else i 'need'.

at home, i baked brownies & pineapple upside down cake. or was it upside down pineapple cake? applepine downupside cake? it was too bad there were no sliced pineapples in a can at lowblaws, so the cake didn't look as pretty as the picture on the recipe. (but does it ever?)

i stayed at home with martin while mom & dad were out. he insisted that i stay in the living room until they come home, meanwhile he heads up to sleep. not because he's afraid or anything, of course. how can i suggest such a thing? preposterous. 

What is fresh fruit?

a quirky way to describe my day, one hundred times. that's my goal for the year. after my first attempt though, i'm noticing i should shorten it up a little.

i will begin with yesterday. my morning began at 11 am, when i grudgingly opened my eyes and winced at the time. my internal clock has shifted to 'holiday mode', which encompasses 3 am bedtimes and lunchtime mornings. the plan to meet svety at 10 am was cancelled for the umpteenth time, but it's all good because she woke up later than me anyway. i proceeded to slowly clean up my room -- an affair that lasted through the day as it was done in tiny portions (i.e., pick up a sweater...head back to computer. place sweater in hamper...go up for breakfast). martin had alex over and they were quietly playing video games in the next door room. mom was heading out for the bi-weekly girlfriend's get-together and she and galq were (what looked like) signing a card in the dining room. the day was moving along and i had thus far taken no part in it. i took a shower and sprayed some new hair products in my hair which resulted in unwanted volume and a crappy hairstyle the day after. i headed down to meet magda, julia, and afsheen at snakes & lattes in the early afternoon. being the first to arrive at the cafe, i discovered that the wait would be approximately 2 hours. the host suggested i put my name on the waitlist and he'd shoot me a txt when a table becomes available (hello, technology!). the girls arrived and we proceeded to look for a coffeeshop to kill time & catch up. turns out the whole city decided that Dec 27th was coffeeshop day. we scored a stool-like table at the green beanery, but only two chairs were available. we hung around hoping that someone would free up a chair, but lifted our arms in defeat after several minutes of asking around. a lady seized our table seconds we slid away from it, exclaiming gratefully that this had been the 5th cafe she'd passed by, and the first that had a table available. we walked across the street to aroma and Julia noticed a window table being freed right at the moment & the four of us barged through the doors and sat down. the man sitting at the neighbouring table told Julia that he had seen her eyeing it from afar. i ordered a large aroma cafe. favourite part was the melted chocolate at the bottom - delicious.Within two hours, we received a text that our table at S&L was ready and off we ran. S&L has expanded. It now has a large room full with tables and couches. I ordered an apple (Was craving..fresh fruit for 0.75 cents? Hard to resist, no?). We played taboo & pictionary, and a tiny bit of trivial pursuit and friends trivia. i knocked down a glass of water & my chair fell as i stood up. decided that i wasn't having the luckiest of days. it didn't help that i was on the losing team for both games...

i headed home at around 7 pm. walked through our doors & was confronted with an upset family. martin had somehow pissed off mom again -- old news. He'll begin getting even better at this. I can't believe he's only 11 and he's achieving this so well...

I tried watching Larry Crowne, but was falling asleep (it was only 10:15...). Headed down and somehow ended staying up till 3. couldn't fall asleep till maybe 4. good idea to lay off the coffee, for a bit at least.

today i'm planning to do a lot of work for Rotundo. & get some grant applications for Peru going. i also want to prepare a recipe list for tmr.

You are an explorer...

quote by Neale Donald Walsch.

...does it?

Jumbled thoughts

I've noticed over the last few days: 1) how much [some] people like talking about what they know (this mostly refers to themselves) and 2) how much [some] people do not listen. I've noticed this before - I mean everyone has experienced talking to someone & noticing halfway through that they may as well be talking to the wall behind them. Everyone has also experienced listening to someone and halfway through drifting off to another thought, because really, what the person is saying ain't all that interesting. There seems to be a connection.
It's the first time though that I'm noticing it without being involved. I view conversations where each person has his own ideas so well wrapped up in his mind that he's just waiting for the other person to stop making noise so that he can make himself heard. And yet they won't be heard, because the other person is too wrapped up in his own thoughts. Or they'll be heard through a filter of prior assumptions, judgments, biases, etc. This filter is so difficult to get rid of because it's built from day one. If only we could remove it and absorb everything and learn without judgment -- but that would result in chaos -- these filters prevent our minds from becoming overloaded with information - it sorts out what it considers important & what isn't worth it. So maybe not listening to each other is healthy for our brains?

Акупунктура

I used to scoff at the whole idea of acupuncture. You get pricked by little needles and they're supposed to cure each and every imaginable nuisance? Head ache, back ache, ear ache, stomach ache because of a milk shake and a big chunk of cake -- Whatever the problem, acupuncture will solve it. Poke a needle in the ear, another on the toe maybe, a third and maybe fourth on the forehead and VOILA...or should it be ABRACADABRA because the act seems closer to mystical magic than anything else. I used to scoff but I scoff no more. I don't know if it's a placebo effect, or maybe the four thousand herbal pills that are combined with the 25 minute treatment, but I've become healthier and more relaxed. There's gotta be something to a thousand year old practice that is still very prevalent not only in China but in Western cultures as well. Those needles are able to somehow hit the right 'cure' spot when applied correctly. Its just remarkably perplexing how it all works...I'll educate myself, one day.

Failures make us stronger (supposedly)

Friday... My brother didn't make the basketball team. It was something he was talking about for so long - he was SO excited...we all thought he would make it. His friends believed in him. His gym teacher had told him that he's one of the best in class. Anyways, he called me while I was browsing the gift shop at the ROM and I thought he had good news to share (he had reminded me in the morning that the list of who made it would be posted on Friday) so the first thing I say to him is "Sooooo?". All I hear back is silence. I elaborate this time.."Martin? What happened? Did you make the team?" He gives me a silent "no". I figure he's pulling a prank so aqain I question happily "Noooo? Oh really?" And then I hear sniffles and gulps and realize that he's crying! Of course, I am shocked and appalled when I hear that 10 out of 13 kids made the team, and he was one of three that didn't. Whether or not this was because of his 'behaviour' issues -- he claims that his gym teacher didn't pick him because he asked another one of his teachers who 'hates him' -- or if it's for some other reason....I just simply don't understand! Why create a damn basketball team where you're not going to accept a mere 3 kids! On top of that, reject a kid that has been going on and on and ON about the sport since September, is thought of as the best player by his classmates, and obviously has a huge desire to PLAY. I just felt so enraged and upset because he was so crushed. I guess these things are supposed to happen in life. Failures make us stronger.They shouldn't be setbacks but more of a motivation to try even harder to achieve what you want. That's one thing to preach and another to act on...I hope in the long run this is a good experience for him and it won't bring him down.

Grandma's milk with rice

Mom made rice for dinner yesterday and Martin had the brilliant idea of making milk with rice. The last time I had the tasty dessert was when grandma had prepared it. I remember coming home from school and sensing the familiar sweet, milky scent from the door. She always had them ready in little glass bowls sprinkled with cinnamon. The pleasure I took in dipping a spoon into the soft rice, while it was still hot and savouring every single bite.

voluntary insomnia?

How do you handle the freedom of working from home? One week in and my bedtime has approached 3 am...

Ludovico Einaudi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmxFAT581T4

This piece is so serene and wonderful.

Working from home is so great. I'm sitting on the kitchen table, facing the backyard. There's sun streaming through the windows. I have to squint to see the computer screen, but the light is so blissful, I'd rather squint than move somewhere darker.

The Guest House

Wise words from more than a thousand years ago still ring true, and always will.

The Guest House
by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

That time when a person obviously buds you in line that you can't help but blurt something out, and end up looking at a face expressing so much guilt that you wish you could take it back...until they turn around with their back arched low and shuffle ahead to the cashier. Karma'll get em.

my most imaginative thoughts appear in the middle of the night, when drifting off to sleep. i'm too lazy to sit up and scrawl them down, hoping that they'll reappear in the morning, but to no avail. i'm left with a jumble of thoughts and nothing coherent to write about. it's been a while since my last entry though, so i figured i'd put something down.

i've been thinking a lot about why i want to become a psychologist (really). i mean, yes i want to learn and understand aspects of human behaviour and be trained to help improve their mental health. but why? what's behind that? i have a little dark thought circling in my mind that this is all for selfish personally-fulfilling reasons. i mean, at least people that work in business don't have to pretend like they're doing good to others. they can admit it's for the money. but many of the helping professions don't offer lucrative salaries -- are the people in these professions deprived of self-fulfillment? why, really, do we want to help and serve others, if not for our benefit? And if it is for our benefit, is there really another alternative? is it possible to be truly selfless?

Congruency

Carl Rogers coined the term congruency to describe a match between your inner thoughts and your outer behaviour and what you expose to the world around you. Congruency is integral to form a real relationship with someone, and it's also something that i feel a lot of people struggle with. In high school, for example, I feel like congruency barely exists. Everyone is putting a sort of persona/facade in order to portray themselves in a way that matches their idea of an 'ideal' self. When one achieves congruency, one achieves a certain piece of mind. Throughout university, we struggle with constructing an identity. I don't know if it's a just a phase, but I feel that i've achieved a higher state of congruency over the last few days and it really is a great feeling.

A little time off.

You know the common saying, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone"? Well, there's a whole other end of the spectrum. It's hard to put it in a perfect statement but what I'm getting at is you don't know how much you need something until you experience it and realize this 'thing' can really make a tremendous difference in your life. I'm talking about something simple on my side -- time. I took 3 days off of work and I can say with full conviction that the past 72 hours have been the most exhilarating, refreshing, and happy that I've had in the last few months. I had no idea how much I needed this time to truly recuperate from the last few months of busy-ness, and I've taken note that I need to really stop myself at times and take a moment to breathe.

thoughtful quote

Anyone who wants to know the human psyche will learn next to nothing from experimental psychology. He would be better advised to abandon exact science, put away his scholar's gown, bid farewell to his study, and wander with human heart throught the world. There in the horrors of prisons, lunatic asylums and hospitals, in drab suburban pubs, in brothels and gambling-hells, in the salons of the elegant, the Stock Exchanges, socialist meetings, churches, revivalist gatherings and ecstatic sects, through love and hate, through the experience of passion in every form in his own body, he would reap richer stores of knowledge than text-books a foot thick could give him, and he will know how to doctor the sick with a real knowledge of the human soul. -- Carl Jung

morning sunlight

Walking up my street in the morning after a night of partying downtown. The sun is shining brightly, the accompanying autumn chill is a perfect breeze when wrapped up in a warm leather jacket. With every step, I pass a tree looking vastly different than the one before. A full spectrum of reds, yellows, greens, and browns. I take a sip of my foamy peppermint mocha, trying to absorb the entirety of this moment. Autumn is so beautiful.

Back & Forth

Last evening...

It's 10 pm. I'm finally out of the office, having spent 5 hours redoing a book review that somehow got deleted from the computer. It's pouring rain as I walk to the Queen Station so I open up a (half) broken umbrella to (half) shield me from the large chilly raindrops. I slide down the escalator to the platform and gravitate towards the convenience stand to purchase a beverage for the way home. The salesman hands me my drink of choice and as I take out my credit card "- Sorry ma'am. We do not accept credit cards". I thought I had my debit somewhere...I'm rummaging frantically through my bag as I hear the approaching subway and decide to drop the drink and leave. "I'll drink something at home!" I call out apologetically as I run to the cabin. Two stations later I notice my credit card is no longer in my wallet so I get off the subway and head back in the opposite direction, only to realize it's in my pocket. Head hung low, I make my way back and arrive at home, exhausted but happy to look forward to a whole new day.

short term happiness

Many do not believe in an 'unconscious', and I think of myself as one of them. Yet today I realized that my mind very frequently fetched towards objects that I otherwise pay no attention to and gave the 'unconscious mind' some thought. This last week is the culmination of two months of GRE-studying, grad school searching, attending lectures, and working. I'm writing the gre this Thursday, I have a book review due tomorrow, and I have two important tasks at work along with trying to find a position that extends past my contract end date of November 11th. Yet, mind has settled on a material good I neither need (that much) nor have ever really thought about before. I feel ashamed to even write it out, but I'll say it quick and move on and so it's a Macbook Air, and I do not understand why my mind keeps returning to it. Mostly, I justify to myself why I deserve to buy this...object..and why I need it so much, why it's a good investment, etc. It's a huge preoccupation when I should really be focusing on the important things. Why is the mind so uncontrollable at times and what are the reasons behind it? There are emotional links to topics like love, hatred, etc, yet the mind sometimes settles on plastic products that otherwise have no sufficient value.

the feeling of autumn

Today I was confronted with the Ontarian autumn, with it's abundance of rouge-toned leaves covering the ground and the bright sun paired with a sudden chill in the air. My family had an autumn day. Martin decorated the front yard with spiderwebs, pumpkins, and signs spelling *Danger* to celebrate Halloween. Leaves were raked and stuffed into pumpkin colored garbage bags (with very large foreheads I must add!). Stepping out into the yard and picking up a chosen set of particularly pretty multi-coloured maple leaves, I realized that fall is finally here.

10 minute goal

My goal is to write for 10 minutes here, no more, no less. I will not necessarily give an account of my day, nor give some in-depth reflection...I will write about whatever comes to mind.

Happy Thanksgiving

sitting in my garden, i noticed that the smell of turkey has overridden the familiar scent of flowers and nature in the neighbourhood.

when september ends

my last year at u of t is about to commence. i'm a fulltime working lady and taking courses and looking to apply to schools. it's gonna be a long ride...